I love newspaper food pages, what with their Bolognese sauce recipes and reviews of locavore bistros. They tell us how to eat well, and that’s something of real value. Putting thought into what we put in our bodies is never a bad thing.
That said, sometimes I just wanna grab some garbage food and shove greedy handfuls of it into my dumb face. There’s not much coverage of junk food in the food pages, and this feature seeks to remedy that.
In every biweekly edition of Pat Eats Garbage Food, I’ll review a different fast food item or convenience store snack and let you know what works and what doesn’t. (You’ll note I didn’t say what’s good and what’s bad; it’s all bad. That’s the point.)
• The food: About a week too late, it’s that Popeyes chicken sandwich everyone’s been talking about. I bought the spicy version more than a week ago. (They claim to have sold out of them nationwide last week, but they’re supposed to be back soon.) I’m not sure any fast food item has caused such a furor since Mickey D’s first discontinued the McRib, a food-adjacent “rib” sandwich prized by idiots with barbecue sauce on their dumb faces. The Popeyes sandwich, in contrast to the McRib, is worth the hype. Or at least it’s worth the $3.99.
• The damage: $3.99, which is an absolute steal and which I suspect will increase with the sandwich’s return. I would pay up to $8.99 for one right now.
• The other damage: Reliable nutrition info is hard to find. It’s not listed on the Popeyes website, probably because the sandwich isn’t available right now. The only number I could find was in a www.prevention.com article, which said Popeyes had confirmed the sandwich has 690 calories. That’s a lot, but nobody lives forever.
• Official description: “A tender all-white meat chicken breast fillet, marinated in an authentic blend of Louisiana seasonings, then hand battered and breaded in our all new buttermilk coating. Served with crisp barrel cured pickles and classic or spicy mayonnaise, served on a warm and toasted buttery brioche bun.”
• My description: It’s great, probably the best fast food chicken sandwich, crunchier than Chik-fil-A (which you can’t get around here anyway) and without any of the guilt associated with buying a sandwich from a CEO who’s spoken out against LGBTQ rights. It joins the Popeyes spicy thigh on the short list of perfect fast food items. This, my fellow gluttons, is as good as garbage food gets.
• How does it feel?: It feels fine. That’s relative, of course. It doesn’t feel good like eating a quinoa bowl or whatever. But it’s more “sit on the couch and watch TV” bad than “curl up in a bloated, regretful ball on the floor” bad. So that’s good.
• Will I eat it again? Yes.
• Overall rating: 10 out of 10. I would wait up to 15 minutes for this sandwich. Well, 10 minutes.