Bacon Breakfast Cheesy Melt

Burger King's Bacon Breakfast Cheesy Melt. Eat it if you dare.

I love newspaper food pages, what with their Bolognese sauce recipes and reviews of locavore bistros. They tell us how to eat well, and that’s something of real value. Putting thought into what we put in our bodies is never a bad thing.

That said, sometimes I just wanna grab some garbage food and shove greedy handfuls of it into my dumb face. There’s not much coverage of junk food in the food pages, and this feature seeks to remedy that.

In every biweekly edition of Pat Eats Garbage Food, I’ll review a different fast food item or convenience store snack and let you know what works and what doesn’t. (You’ll note I didn’t say what’s good and what’s bad; it’s all bad. That’s the point.)

The food

Not to get too existential or meaning-seeking or whatever, but I sometimes feel as though we’ve been here before. Like there’s nothing new left for us as humans. Today is yesterday is tomorrow. Round and round and round.

Anyway, this week’s garbage food is the Bacon Breakfast Cheesy Melt, which good ol’ Burger King released in May (alongside ham and sausage Breakfast Cheesy Melt variations). It takes the standard fast-food breakfast format — meat, egg and cheese stuffed into some manner of bread — and completely upends it by, uh, well, by stuffing meat, egg and cheese into some manner of bread.

The damage

$3.99, a price that is neither good nor bad, a price that seems somehow entirely random and preordained. A fated price.

The other damage

410 calories, 20.7 grams fat (9.8 saturated), 234.5 mg cholesterol, 1,752.7 mg sodium, 7.5 grams sugar, 36.2 grams carbs, 19.9 grams protein. And there you have it! There is something remarkable about this sandwich after all: It is, even by the standards of this Garbage Food column, incredibly bad for you. It has the highest sodium level I can remember since the short-lived Jimmy John’s Frenchie. And that cholesterol number is downright dangerous. Doctors recommend less than 300 mg a day for those without heart-disease risk factors and less than 200 per day for people with such risk factors. I have to believe this sandwich itself qualifies as a risk factor, though, so eating one means you shouldn’t have eaten one.

Official description

Remarkably I could find absolutely zero official promotional copy on this sandwich. That’s never happened before. Nothing on Burger King’s website, Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. It’s as though they aren’t super-proud of this one.

My description

It’s a rectangle (square?) of scrambled egg, a couple slices of bacon and two slices of American cheese between two pieces of toast. That sounds kind of good, I know. But believe me, this sandwich is not good. This sandwich is bad. The words “toast” and “bacon” imply some sort of crunch, some sort of textural variation. But none exists here. It has a soft and oddly consistent texture throughout.

How do they feel?

It feels as though we’ve reached the point where we’re all just keeping this big hamster-wheel spinning, fueled by wads of undifferentiated “food,” never trying to stop the wheel or even get off because we don’t, in our waking hours, even know there’s a wheel at all. It also gave me some bad burps.

Will I eat it again?

Philosophically speaking, we’re all kind of eating this all the time. Today is yesterday is tomorrow. But seriously, no. No, I will not.

Overall rating

3 out of 10, not inedible but not worth four bucks.

Pat Muir is a former Yakima Herald-Republic staff writer whose Pat Eats Garbage Food Column ran from 2018 to 2020. It appears in Explore every two weeks.

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