This is my fourth New Year’s resolution column since I started The Indoorsman, and I’d like to take a moment to go back and examine my success rate.
Here are the things I’ve pledged to do, on the record and in print: read “The Sun Also Rises” and “A Farewell to Arms”; build a world-class collection of snow globes; learn how to use my USB turntable; stop having Buffalo wings and Bushmills for dinner on days when I’ve skipped lunch; stop skipping lunch, so I can have Buffalo wings and Bushmills for dinner; attend local high school football games; lose 30 pounds; go to sleep earlier; wake up earlier; maintain a cleaner home; cut down on beer; be more productive; be kinder to others; make a more positive impact on society; shave more than twice a week; stop procrastinating; buy a new (used) car; prepare and consume delicious breakfasts on the weekends; get cable; do the dishes at least once a week; call my old friends more; stop letting food spoil in the fridge; and stop writing about things that are embarrassing.
That’s 23 resolutions total. I have accomplished nine of them. (Try to guess which ones!) That’s a .391 batting average, not too shabby. It’s a far higher number than I would have guessed. But I know I can do better. After all, I’m nothing if not passionately dedicated to self-improvement (and cured meats). So, with that in mind, I’ve decided to add a few new ones to the list.
Here, then, piled atop those 14 left over from 2010 through 2012 are my resolutions for 2013:
• I will stop hitting my head on the cabinet above my kitchen counter. It is a tendency I inherited from my father, who in his entire life has never exited a car or picked something up from underneath a table without absolutely smashing his head, but this year I’m breaking the cycle.
• I will take my dogs for walks at least every other night, even if it’s dark by the time I get home. This will be supplemented by games of backyard fetch and by wrestling with them in front of the television.
• When wrestling with my dogs in front of the television, I will try not to take so much pride in my ability to pin them. They are a combined 125 pounds.
• I will not cry during every single sad movie. Wait, I’m sorry. I just started thinking about Billy Crudup and Albert Finney in “Big Fish.” I need a minute.
• I will write the Muir family Christmas card letter before the end of January.
• I won’t fight my friends at drunken parties, even if they’re really just begging for it — you know, by, like, being there and looking all stupid. I’m getting too old to wake up with bruises after every party.
• I’ll knock another five off that list of 14 overdue resolutions. Probably the easy ones like reading the Hemingway books, calling old friends and learning how to use that USB turntable. And I will resign myself to the fact I’ll never be able to get my snow globe collection up to world-class standards. I don’t even own a single one.
— The Indoorsman